Wednesday, June 10, 2009
After evening service, Corrie and the twins came over. Of course, before service, I took a shower, and I reapplied my makeup so when I got home from service, it was still pretty fresh. Rayne kept telling me she liked my makeup and asked me why I was wearing it – usually by that time of night (9 p.m.), I have already removed my makeup. Corrie told her the reason that Gramma wears makeup is because it makes me feel pretty. Well, since Rayne seems to be really identifying with me and what I’m going through, I took her into the bedroom, sat her up on the counter, and applied eye shadow, a little blush, and lipstick to my little angel. Of course, while I was applying it, Corrie came in – “Are you putting lipstick on my daughter?” Yep, I sure was! Then Corrie got the camera, and we took several pictures of our little Rayne all dolled up! She likes it when Mommy paints her fingernails and toenails so Gramma got to decorate her face!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Well, after radiation, I went to the post office to pick up a package and then I came home. I think radiation is starting to catch up with me – I’m feeling tired again. It was funny, though, while waiting for radiation, one of the other ladies was asking one of the older ladies how she was doing – she looked kinda down and tired. I listened in, but I didn’t join in the conversation yet – I think it was partially because I was feeling tired. Well, the one lady who asked the older lady how she was doing (she must be in her 40s also) asked me how I was doing, and I told her I was doing fine. Her response was that I always come in there was such a beautiful smile. I got to thinking about it later – I have plenty to smile about – God has blessed ABUNDANTLY! Even through breast cancer, His blessings are OBVIOUS to me! He brought me through chemo with flying colors. He has brought me through radiation so far without much difficulty. It has been this week really that I have started having troubles with blistering, soreness, and discomfort. He has provided me with a WONDERFUL support network, and a FANTASTIC, supportive husband who has gone way beyond the call of duty and has been a pillar of strength for me through all of this. He has been by my side throughout all of this, and when I’ve told him I needed him to be with me for any appointment, he has gladly been there for me! He has taken on basically all of the household duties for me while I’ve been going through this without a grumble. In fact, he scolds me when he sees me trying to do too much! Why? Because he KNOWS me – in my mind, I’m still 20 and can do anything. Unfortunately, especially now, my body is telling me, “No, your 48 and your going through too much right now – it’s time to back off and take it slower.”
After Michael got home, we chatted for a bit before he showered. We planned on going to one of my favorite restaurants because I got an e-mail from them for a free appetizer. Well, while Michael was showering and shaving, I took a little cat nap – it was just what the doctor ordered! I got just enough sleep that I felt recharged. We went to Texas Roadhouse and got our cactus blossom – they are so good! Then we ordered a rib eye steak with mashed potatoes and brown gravy and their chili. Whenever we have an appetizer, we always split a dinner because otherwise we have way too many leftovers. Now, leftovers are good, but I do like to limit them. We still took about half of the cactus blossom home so this weekend we’ll warm that up in the toaster oven and munch on it again! Texas Roadhouse, in our opinion, has the best chili! Of course their mashed potatoes and brown gravy is what they will be serving in Heaven! They use 40 weight gravy – none of that watery stuff! I’m making myself hungry just thinking about it! The steak was so tender – it was like slicing through butter! I also got the sautéed mushrooms for my half of the steak. I love it – the waitress always asks you if you saved room for dessert. The only way I’m ever going to have room for dessert is if I go to a restaurant and order just dessert because after the main dinner – I’m stuffed! I am sure that this is the kind of meals we are going to eat in Heaven; and in Heaven, we won’t be too full for dessert, and we won’t gain a pound from eating dessert! Hallelujah!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Well, after today, I will have 10 more radiation treatments to go! I’m thankful that there is light at the end of the tunnel! Last week, the doctor game some cream called Radx to help with the radiation burns, but I limited on treatment days to when I can put it one. Four hours before treatment – nothing! So the remainder of my treatments are at 3:45 so the cut off is around noon. It does give some relief, but I do wish the relief would last a little longer. The doctor was also telling me that I need to wait at least a year after finishing radiation before having reconstruction work done. I talked with Michelle, my RN Case Manager. She told me to go ahead and make an appointment with a plastic surgeon and get a second opinion. She had never heard of waiting that long; and of course, one of her concerns were that some insurance policies may have a “time limit” stipulation. Of course, I have already checked with Cheryl our Benefits Coordinator, and she told me there would be no problem, but I have an appointment for July 13 for a second opinion with Dr. N.
The last two weeks, Dr. D. has been on vacation so I have been seeing another doctor at WMCC. The first week that Dr. D. was on vacation, I saw Dr. B. He was brutally honest. He was the one who finally told me that I should wait at least a year for best results. He was looking at my incision site and remarked, “Boy, that was a botch job, wasn’t it?” He’s right! Now, I admit he wasn’t delicate on his wording, but it was nice to finally have a professional acknowledge the fact that my incision site is really messed up! I don’t have ill feelings toward Dr. Van. for the work he did…. he made a calculated decision not to put in a drainage tube, he made a calculated decision to use staples rather than sutures; and unfortunately, gravity played a very important role in why things went bad! Gravity was constantly pulling on part of the incision so rather than it closing up properly, I have a big hole – now the hole is closed up, but there is a very large “indented” hole where it doesn’t belong. So besides being lop sided now, I also have a crater.
Some people may think that wanting to get them equally reduced and the crater filled in is a vanity issue, but unless you’ve walked in a breast cancer survivor’s shoes, it is very difficult to explain, and I’m sorry that I am at a lack of words to explain it. My desire to have them repaired has nothing to do with vanity. Sure, I’ll never forget that I am a breast cancer survivor, but I don’t necessarily want to have to look at the battle scars every day as a reminder of the battle I’ve gone through, and after being through this battle, I think that there should be some “perks” in it for me!
I don’t mean to sound like I’m whining or ungrateful because I DO count my blessings EVERY DAY! God has been so good to me, and I thank Him daily – in fact more than just daily. Sometimes I’ll just stop what I’m doing and say, “Thank you Lord for protecting me the way you have.” The lady I was talking about earlier that said that I always have such a beautiful smile on my face – well, this is her second bout with breast cancer. I think I’ve mentioned before in my blog about a woman on the Triple Negative Breast Cancer forum that is receiving Taxotere, which is one of the chemo drugs that I received. She only has to go through 3 chemo treatments with this – I went through 6 with Taxotere and Cytoxan. After her first treatment, she was in so much pain, her doctor put her on dilaudid for pain management, and she was taking it every 4 hours! God protected me through chemo, and I believe that He has blessed me the way He has because of my reaction and attitude toward this journey He has placed me on. I could have whined and complained and done the “Why me Lord?” routine, but whenever I hear anyone say that or the thought creeps up in my mind, I think “Why not me?” God says it in His word (and I am paraphrasing) “He makes it to rain on the just and the unjust” so why not me? I’m still just a vessel – a cracked pot that wants to be used by God. I clarify what type of vessel I am, because my personal belief is that the only true worthy vessel was Jesus Christ. He was perfect, and He still allowed God to use Him, and He was obedient to His Father all the way to the cross! With my humanness and all my imperfections, I’m just a cracked pot that wants to be used of God, and I believe that my response to this journey God choose for me is why He has been so good to me – because I accepted His Will for my life just as Jesus did.
I might be wrong, but I have a hunch that if my attitude would have been wrong, God would not have blessed me the way He has. I try to teach my grandchildren that part of being obedient to their parents is their attitude. For example, I was telling Matthew yesterday, in fact, that if his Mom asks him to clean his room, and he does it with a bad attitude, he’s still not pleasing God, and he is still be disobedient and disrespectful to his Mom. I think that applies to all of us with God as well. I can do what God tells me to in His Word, but if I do it with a bad attitude, I’m still not pleasing my Heavenly Father. It is only when I do it with the right attitude that I am glorifying Him, and that has been my heart’s desire throughout this cancer journey – to be a testimony to God and to glorify Him, and as a result, he has given me the desires of my heart by making this journey easier for me.
I don’t think it’s vanity, Mom.